university blues.

back from a total week of outfields at sispec. have to book in tommorrow for another week of outfields and field camps. totally sian-ed life. thats BSLC.

anyway, universities are starting. Yeap, thanks to max for reminding that. I have been totally out of sorts the past week. Might be because of training, or something else totally. Anyway most of the girls should probably be going for their uni camps. uhmmm... and the poor guys are suffering in army camps. at least for those who do not decide to slack like me.

max was saying the other day, that orientation is the time where sparks will fly. spent most of the week thinking about that. seriously, what he say does make sense. Imagine all the poor guys in army who are courting some girl in one way or another, are getting their chances sliced just because university is starting.

as for those already in love, there is always that risk, though highly unlikely.

and i guess that feeling sucks. i mean, the guys in army should really be the ones in need of support from their other halves. I know some people believe that they should focus when in army, and not be involved in external relationships lest problems they face outside affects their performance in camp. But sometimes I feel that if there is someone out there to share your burdens, another person to go to and cheer up, some sort of motivation, it would make gruesome army life more bearable, won't it?

of course if you want to think about it rationally and theoratically, it is not fair to expect a girl to love a guy through his army life. After all, he will not be able to spend sufficient time with her and give her the attention she deserves. so by right, a guy in army should not be jioing any girl. but really, how many times does opportunity knock. and how often do you find someone so right for you? I don't know about others, but i feel it takes time and effort to really know if a girl is the one for you. and then if you are in army, you are supposed to just give it all up? for duty to country? abit selfish. yea. i know.

so many of my section mates i've met have said, just go for it. perhaps i think too much about the reprecussions. it like an essay, two very relevant sides to the story. to let go, or to selfishly hold on. Or perhaps in my case, to even just let her know. i used to be very clear cut about this kind of issues. that is: in army, i am totally non-qualified to talk about relationship stuffs. I mean thats what they say don't they? if you love her, set her free. but then, if you don't tell her how you feel and end up losing her, you will really regret it.

precisely my dilema. further more she is not just an aquaintance, but a friend. I don't want to end up losing it all if something screws up halfway. yet if she gets a boyfriend in university (most probably), i mean, you know how it feels. the longing just keeps getting stronger and stronger, especially now since university is starting soon. it may be army thats making me desperate or whatever that is happening, but i really do not want to make such a crucial decision on impulse. dont wanna risk everything.

its the first time im ever struck with such a problem. usually, i'd confess within a month. never really thought of what happens after that, did i? sometimes i wonder how i managed to bring up such issues so easily in the past. but now, its been like what, one and a half years? i spend every single day lying in bed, thinking about her and what i want to do about it. up till now, not much progress i fear. i really havent the courage to bring up that issue. just trying to improve what we have, and maybe hopefully one day my dreams will come true?

someone please tell me what to do. whoever, a sign or whatever. time's totally running out. real fast.