why does my weekends disappear so fast? its like all the longing and hoping for the weekends to come during the last 5 days has come to an end. while it was satisfying yesterday when i booked out, it just feels so fast that i have to book in in less than 24 hours from now.
next few weeks will be hell of heck of hell. live firing, field camps etc etc. seriously im that close to losing it already. infantry life is just something you ain't want to go through over and over again. i look at glendon and ivan and eugene and sort of envy them sometimes because they are able to have free time of their own. as for mine, its really chiong sua all the way. after ASLC, then unit, it all continues. totally sian and tired of it all.
met up with the swimmers today, had a good time. but it all just seems too fast gone. tml will be whole day prep before going back to camp. tue and wed uo live firing and all that shit. it just seems so hard to get distraction from all these. its hard to talk to guys because we would mostly be talking about army life, the very same things im trying to numb myself from. and the girls are too busy studying.
the only thing i can do is look forward to the weekends to get together with friends, and yet the weekends seem to pass so fast and i feel like i'm sort of wasting my time on online streamings, games, sleep and tv. i need to do something, but the busy schedule presently does not permit me to. please please please, let this pass quickly. 10 more weeks, 6 more to ROC, i want all this to end. =(
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
random.
4th week ASLC, still not liking it. Infantry. hate it. zz. anyway its been hell of a week for me. lots of time spent thinking. lots of emotion running.
I don't know when or if you'll ever come across this blog again, but i still gotta say this out.
its impossible to ask you to forget whatever you have read here, and to treat it like nothing ever happened. it is really my fault that resulted in this mess of situations and dunno-whats.
i do not deny the fact that i like you, and very much so even until this very day. its just.. how do i put it, perhaps not that simple an ' i love you ' kind of feeling? well i've said before and still stick by it that this is an issue i have long decided to put behind. i admit that i really had a hard time juggling my feelings then and making the decision but i have come to live with it and accept it. it came as quite a shock when you told me you saw my blog. trust me, it was almost like a dream i never wanted to come true. i re-read the sms 3 times after that just to make sure thats what you really said. yes i was lying in a lorry ( 5 tonner) by the way. perhaps my greatest mistake that i will live to regret is that i left the whole chain of thoughts i had long before linger and remain arched in the archives of this blog.
one things i know is that our friendship will never be the same as before because now you know. its one thing i never meant for you to find out but regardless its no use crying over spilt milk. because of this i know it may cause us to drift further apart as friends. to you, it may no longer be care or concern between friends, nor will it be the meet-up-between-friends every time i ask you out. this i understand. it is really ok if you find it uncomfortable and all. i hope you will be honest about it and not have to resort to excuses or cover-ups just to try and not hurt my feelings. not that im implying you do so but yea, you know what i mean.
i don't know if you will believe me but personally i feel that loves does not have to result in eventual acquisition or possession. all i really want is for you to be happy, to be there whenever you need a listening ear or just someone, just simply to care for you. it may sound ironical and you may not believe that a girl and a guy can be good friends when love is involved and all. yet this is really what i feel. to me, its not time wasted nor efforts down the drain everytime we meet up or even just have a chat. how do i put it.. its like i feel comfortable being around you and am willing to share whatsoever you want to share with me. in life you seldom find many who can really click, that is why you are thus important and someone i cherish alot. don't thank me for this. i want to thank you more for that trust you place in me everytime we talk about something. really.
as for now i really am clueless as to what will happen of this. as much as i hope things will remain like before i seriously doubt it would. even now as i type all this i have come to a realization that the reason why i'm not telling you all this over the phone, in person, or even msn is simply because i feel embarassed and lack the courage to tell you so. do not be mistaken. its not because you have come to know about how i feel about you, but its the mistakes i have made to disillude you about the present situation and affecting this friendship i have with you. please please please do not be sorry that you read this blog and all, becuase sooner or later you would have known about it anyway.
and please dont also feel sorry because you think you have hurt me. how do i put it. im not at that level of vulnerability yet, or perhaps you are not there in a position where you could hurt me deeply yet. do not mistake. you are really someone i treasure very much and im really sorry that you had to read and find out about all this from my blog. also i hope you will not react any differently after reading this entry because the reason why i wrote this is perhaps just to tell you about how i feel of this. i don't want to be the reason that you decide to treat things differently after all this. lastly, as much as i know it will not happen, i hope you will forget about this whole incident and carry on living your life as it used to be.
really now i start to wonder how i had to implicate myself into such a mess. oh wait, i know. i had to write all those things i felt then here. and it ain't really that hard to find it and read it is it? yes. damn. stupid. and whateverelse thing. =(
I don't know when or if you'll ever come across this blog again, but i still gotta say this out.
its impossible to ask you to forget whatever you have read here, and to treat it like nothing ever happened. it is really my fault that resulted in this mess of situations and dunno-whats.
i do not deny the fact that i like you, and very much so even until this very day. its just.. how do i put it, perhaps not that simple an ' i love you ' kind of feeling? well i've said before and still stick by it that this is an issue i have long decided to put behind. i admit that i really had a hard time juggling my feelings then and making the decision but i have come to live with it and accept it. it came as quite a shock when you told me you saw my blog. trust me, it was almost like a dream i never wanted to come true. i re-read the sms 3 times after that just to make sure thats what you really said. yes i was lying in a lorry ( 5 tonner) by the way. perhaps my greatest mistake that i will live to regret is that i left the whole chain of thoughts i had long before linger and remain arched in the archives of this blog.
one things i know is that our friendship will never be the same as before because now you know. its one thing i never meant for you to find out but regardless its no use crying over spilt milk. because of this i know it may cause us to drift further apart as friends. to you, it may no longer be care or concern between friends, nor will it be the meet-up-between-friends every time i ask you out. this i understand. it is really ok if you find it uncomfortable and all. i hope you will be honest about it and not have to resort to excuses or cover-ups just to try and not hurt my feelings. not that im implying you do so but yea, you know what i mean.
i don't know if you will believe me but personally i feel that loves does not have to result in eventual acquisition or possession. all i really want is for you to be happy, to be there whenever you need a listening ear or just someone, just simply to care for you. it may sound ironical and you may not believe that a girl and a guy can be good friends when love is involved and all. yet this is really what i feel. to me, its not time wasted nor efforts down the drain everytime we meet up or even just have a chat. how do i put it.. its like i feel comfortable being around you and am willing to share whatsoever you want to share with me. in life you seldom find many who can really click, that is why you are thus important and someone i cherish alot. don't thank me for this. i want to thank you more for that trust you place in me everytime we talk about something. really.
as for now i really am clueless as to what will happen of this. as much as i hope things will remain like before i seriously doubt it would. even now as i type all this i have come to a realization that the reason why i'm not telling you all this over the phone, in person, or even msn is simply because i feel embarassed and lack the courage to tell you so. do not be mistaken. its not because you have come to know about how i feel about you, but its the mistakes i have made to disillude you about the present situation and affecting this friendship i have with you. please please please do not be sorry that you read this blog and all, becuase sooner or later you would have known about it anyway.
and please dont also feel sorry because you think you have hurt me. how do i put it. im not at that level of vulnerability yet, or perhaps you are not there in a position where you could hurt me deeply yet. do not mistake. you are really someone i treasure very much and im really sorry that you had to read and find out about all this from my blog. also i hope you will not react any differently after reading this entry because the reason why i wrote this is perhaps just to tell you about how i feel of this. i don't want to be the reason that you decide to treat things differently after all this. lastly, as much as i know it will not happen, i hope you will forget about this whole incident and carry on living your life as it used to be.
really now i start to wonder how i had to implicate myself into such a mess. oh wait, i know. i had to write all those things i felt then here. and it ain't really that hard to find it and read it is it? yes. damn. stupid. and whateverelse thing. =(
Saturday, July 12, 2008
university blues.
back from a total week of outfields at sispec. have to book in tommorrow for another week of outfields and field camps. totally sian-ed life. thats BSLC.
anyway, universities are starting. Yeap, thanks to max for reminding that. I have been totally out of sorts the past week. Might be because of training, or something else totally. Anyway most of the girls should probably be going for their uni camps. uhmmm... and the poor guys are suffering in army camps. at least for those who do not decide to slack like me.
max was saying the other day, that orientation is the time where sparks will fly. spent most of the week thinking about that. seriously, what he say does make sense. Imagine all the poor guys in army who are courting some girl in one way or another, are getting their chances sliced just because university is starting.
as for those already in love, there is always that risk, though highly unlikely.
and i guess that feeling sucks. i mean, the guys in army should really be the ones in need of support from their other halves. I know some people believe that they should focus when in army, and not be involved in external relationships lest problems they face outside affects their performance in camp. But sometimes I feel that if there is someone out there to share your burdens, another person to go to and cheer up, some sort of motivation, it would make gruesome army life more bearable, won't it?
of course if you want to think about it rationally and theoratically, it is not fair to expect a girl to love a guy through his army life. After all, he will not be able to spend sufficient time with her and give her the attention she deserves. so by right, a guy in army should not be jioing any girl. but really, how many times does opportunity knock. and how often do you find someone so right for you? I don't know about others, but i feel it takes time and effort to really know if a girl is the one for you. and then if you are in army, you are supposed to just give it all up? for duty to country? abit selfish. yea. i know.
so many of my section mates i've met have said, just go for it. perhaps i think too much about the reprecussions. it like an essay, two very relevant sides to the story. to let go, or to selfishly hold on. Or perhaps in my case, to even just let her know. i used to be very clear cut about this kind of issues. that is: in army, i am totally non-qualified to talk about relationship stuffs. I mean thats what they say don't they? if you love her, set her free. but then, if you don't tell her how you feel and end up losing her, you will really regret it.
precisely my dilema. further more she is not just an aquaintance, but a friend. I don't want to end up losing it all if something screws up halfway. yet if she gets a boyfriend in university (most probably), i mean, you know how it feels. the longing just keeps getting stronger and stronger, especially now since university is starting soon. it may be army thats making me desperate or whatever that is happening, but i really do not want to make such a crucial decision on impulse. dont wanna risk everything.
its the first time im ever struck with such a problem. usually, i'd confess within a month. never really thought of what happens after that, did i? sometimes i wonder how i managed to bring up such issues so easily in the past. but now, its been like what, one and a half years? i spend every single day lying in bed, thinking about her and what i want to do about it. up till now, not much progress i fear. i really havent the courage to bring up that issue. just trying to improve what we have, and maybe hopefully one day my dreams will come true?
someone please tell me what to do. whoever, a sign or whatever. time's totally running out. real fast.
anyway, universities are starting. Yeap, thanks to max for reminding that. I have been totally out of sorts the past week. Might be because of training, or something else totally. Anyway most of the girls should probably be going for their uni camps. uhmmm... and the poor guys are suffering in army camps. at least for those who do not decide to slack like me.
max was saying the other day, that orientation is the time where sparks will fly. spent most of the week thinking about that. seriously, what he say does make sense. Imagine all the poor guys in army who are courting some girl in one way or another, are getting their chances sliced just because university is starting.
as for those already in love, there is always that risk, though highly unlikely.
and i guess that feeling sucks. i mean, the guys in army should really be the ones in need of support from their other halves. I know some people believe that they should focus when in army, and not be involved in external relationships lest problems they face outside affects their performance in camp. But sometimes I feel that if there is someone out there to share your burdens, another person to go to and cheer up, some sort of motivation, it would make gruesome army life more bearable, won't it?
of course if you want to think about it rationally and theoratically, it is not fair to expect a girl to love a guy through his army life. After all, he will not be able to spend sufficient time with her and give her the attention she deserves. so by right, a guy in army should not be jioing any girl. but really, how many times does opportunity knock. and how often do you find someone so right for you? I don't know about others, but i feel it takes time and effort to really know if a girl is the one for you. and then if you are in army, you are supposed to just give it all up? for duty to country? abit selfish. yea. i know.
so many of my section mates i've met have said, just go for it. perhaps i think too much about the reprecussions. it like an essay, two very relevant sides to the story. to let go, or to selfishly hold on. Or perhaps in my case, to even just let her know. i used to be very clear cut about this kind of issues. that is: in army, i am totally non-qualified to talk about relationship stuffs. I mean thats what they say don't they? if you love her, set her free. but then, if you don't tell her how you feel and end up losing her, you will really regret it.
precisely my dilema. further more she is not just an aquaintance, but a friend. I don't want to end up losing it all if something screws up halfway. yet if she gets a boyfriend in university (most probably), i mean, you know how it feels. the longing just keeps getting stronger and stronger, especially now since university is starting soon. it may be army thats making me desperate or whatever that is happening, but i really do not want to make such a crucial decision on impulse. dont wanna risk everything.
its the first time im ever struck with such a problem. usually, i'd confess within a month. never really thought of what happens after that, did i? sometimes i wonder how i managed to bring up such issues so easily in the past. but now, its been like what, one and a half years? i spend every single day lying in bed, thinking about her and what i want to do about it. up till now, not much progress i fear. i really havent the courage to bring up that issue. just trying to improve what we have, and maybe hopefully one day my dreams will come true?
someone please tell me what to do. whoever, a sign or whatever. time's totally running out. real fast.
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